In AA, Step 9 means making direct amends. You reach out to people you harmed, wherever possible. But you skip it if that could hurt them or someone else.
Step 9 is about taking responsibility. It is not about getting forgiveness or fixing a relationship. This step comes after Step 8, where you made a list of the people you harmed. To review the earlier part of the sequence, read our guide to AA Step 6 readiness.
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What Step 9 Means in AA
Step 9 asks you to make direct amends to people you have harmed, whenever possible.[1] There is one important exception: you do not make direct amends if doing so would hurt those people or others.[1] This step follows Step 8, where you listed everyone you harmed and became willing to fix things. It leads into Step 10, which keeps you checking your actions going forward. Before reaching this stage, our guide on how to do step 5 explains the earlier work of sharing your inventory.
AA is a fellowship where people share their strength, hope and experience with others who want to stop using alcohol or drugs.[2] Working through the steps is a personal practice supported by peers. It is not a substitute for professional mental health treatment or medical care. If you are dealing with trauma or complex relationships, consider talking with a licensed therapist as well.
12 steps
in AA's published sequence[1]
Step 8
focuses on listing harms and building willingness[1]
Step 9
focuses on making direct amends safely[1]
Step 10
continues daily self-review[1]
Examples of Direct and Ongoing Amends
Knowing how to make amends after addiction can feel overwhelming. There is no single right way to fix a mistake. The best approach depends on the harm done and what the other person needs. Sometimes an amend is a conversation. Other times, it is a change in behavior that lasts for months or years.
Below are examples of different types of amends. These are illustrative, not instructions. What works for one person might cause more pain for another. Always talk with your sponsor or a trusted support person before reaching out to anyone. They can help you weigh the risks and benefits of contact.
| Situation | Possible Amend | Boundary to Consider |
|---|---|---|
| Financial debt | Repay money owed, perhaps in installments, without asking for praise or recognition. | Ensure repayment does not create new financial instability or enable further borrowing. |
| Misinformation | Correct false statements made about someone, if doing so helps rather than harms them further. | Check if the person wants the correction public or private; respect their preference if known. |
| Damaged trust | Acknowledge the specific harm caused directly and simply, without offering excuses or demanding forgiveness. | Accept if they do not want to speak with you or if they reject the amend entirely. |
| Broken boundaries | Consistently honor a limit they set, such as staying away from certain places or people, over time. | Do not use the amended behavior as leverage to ask for closeness or reconciliation. |
Living amends examples focus on sustained changed behavior rather than a one-time apology. For instance, if your drinking caused fear in your home, a living amend might be maintaining sobriety and creating a calm environment for years. This shows respect through action, not just words.
Prepare and Follow Through on an Amend
Making amends in recovery is about taking responsibility and trying to repair harm. It is not about getting relief, praise, or a specific reaction from the other person. A sponsor is an experienced 12-step member who acts as a peer mentor.[2] They care about you and understand the issues you face from their own experience.[3] Your sponsor can help you think through this step, but they should not make the decision for you or contact the other person on your behalf.
- Review your Step 8 list with your sponsor. Look at each name and talk through what happened.
- Identify the specific harm. Think clearly about what you did wrong and what repair might look like.
- Consider safety, timing, and wishes. Think about whether direct contact could hurt them or others, and respect any known boundaries.
- Agree on an approach. Decide with your sponsor on a respectful way to reach out, or a reason to pause if contact isn't safe.
- Make the amend if appropriate. Reach out in the agreed way if it is safe and suitable.
- Listen without arguing. Accept their response without making excuses or asking for reassurance.
- Follow through. Do whatever repair you agreed to, without expecting forgiveness in return.
Before and After an Amend
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Working through the AA Steps is a gradual process that continues beyond Step 9. As you move forward, you may want to read our guide on AA Step 11 conscious contact to learn about ongoing spiritual practice in recovery.
When Direct Contact Could Cause Harm
Taking responsibility doesn't mean you have to reach out if it could cause harm. Step 9's published wording says to make direct amends "wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others."[4] That exception matters.
Before you contact someone, think about their safety and comfort. Pause if they have asked for no contact, if your message could scare or upset them, or if another person might be hurt by the outreach. If you aren't sure how a call or letter might land, talk it through with your sponsor or a trusted support first. Never use another person to get around a boundary someone has set.
Pause, Prepare, or Consider Contact?
This self-check is for information only and isn't a diagnosis. It cannot determine what is safe for another person.
For people working through trauma, deciding whether and how to make amends can feel especially heavy. Read more about making amends safely with trauma.
Living Amends, Boundaries, and What Happens Next
Making amends in recovery often goes beyond a single conversation. Many people find that living amends examples matter most. A living amend means changing your behavior over time. It addresses a pattern of harm. It does not erase the past. It also does not guarantee that a relationship will be repaired.
The other person has the right to set limits. They may decline further contact, respond briefly, or ask for space. You should not press for forgiveness. Do not expect renewed closeness. Respecting their boundaries is part of the work.
If you are learning how to navigate these dynamics, reading about setting boundaries with loved ones can help you understand their perspective. Similarly, understanding the impact of addiction on others is crucial. Our guide on supporting a loved one after relapse offers insight into how trust is rebuilt slowly.
Before contact
Check safety and boundaries carefully. Ask yourself if direct contact might cause more harm than good.
During the amend
Acknowledge the specific harm clearly and listen without defending your actions. Keep it simple and sincere.
Afterward
Respect their response, or lack of one, without pushing for closure. Follow through on any specific repairs you promised.
Over time
Show consistent change in your daily actions. Let your behavior speak louder than words.
This timeline is illustrative, not a fixed schedule. Reconciliation is not guaranteed for everyone. Focus on your own integrity and continued growth rather than controlling the outcome.
The Ninth Step in AA and Other Recovery Support
Many people ask if the ninth step in AA is the hardest. AA's published books do not name one step as the hardest for everyone. Which step feels tough varies from person to person.
You might hear informal sayings. For example, some people talk about "only two sins" in recovery. These phrases are not official AA doctrine. They are casual comments, not the words in AA's books. When you work with a sponsor, stick to the official texts.
AA is a form of peer support. NIAAA lists AA among mutual support groups that can reinforce and extend the benefits of professional treatment and provide social support over the long term.[5] Peer support providers bring their own lived experiences to help ensure services are resiliency- and recovery-oriented.[6]
While AA offers community, it is not a replacement for professional addiction treatment. If you have trauma, severe anxiety, or other health issues, you may want clinical care too. Working on amends can stir up strong feelings. A licensed therapist can help you handle these feelings safely.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if the person does not want to hear from me? Respect their boundary. Step 9 asks for direct amends "except when to do so would injure them or others." You can still work through your feelings with a sponsor or therapist.
Does Step 9 mean I have to apologize in person? Not always. AA suggests direct amends, but the method depends on the situation. A letter, a phone call, or a mediated meeting may be safer or more appropriate. Discuss options with someone you trust.
Can I skip an amend if it might cause harm? Yes. The step explicitly allows exceptions when direct contact would hurt the other person or someone else. Focus on changing your behavior moving forward instead.
Where can I find support while working through Step 9? Many people benefit from professional counseling alongside peer support. You can find treatment centers near you that offer therapy and recovery programs.
Frequently Asked Questions
Is an apology enough to make an amend?
An apology can be part of an amend, but it is often not the whole thing. AA’s Step Nine asks for direct amends wherever possible, except when doing so would hurt the person or others.[2] Focus on naming the specific harm and asking what practical repair feels right. Try not to use the conversation to ask for reassurance or to restart a relationship.
Does the person I harmed have to forgive me?
No. Making an amend does not guarantee forgiveness, a reply, or getting the relationship back. The other person decides what contact or connection they want after you reach out. Your job is to take responsibility honestly, not to control their reaction.
What if the person does not want to hear from me?
Respect their request for no contact. Do not use a friend, family member, or another account to get around that boundary. Instead, talk with a sponsor or trusted support about a safer way to take responsibility without contacting them directly.
Can you give an example of a living amend?
A living amend means showing change through steady actions over time, rather than relying on one conversation. For example, consistently respecting someone’s boundary or breaking a harmful pattern can be a living amend. This phrase is common recovery language; it is not a separate numbered AA Step.
Can I wait before making an amend?
Sometimes waiting is wise. If reaching out right now could cause harm or cross a clear boundary, pause and discuss the timing with a sponsor or trusted support.[2] Just don’t use delay as a way to avoid responsibility forever. Revisit what safe and respectful repair might look like when conditions allow.
What spiritual principles are part of Step 9?
Step 9 often points to responsibility, humility, and willingness to repair harm you caused. Many people in recovery also connect it with honesty and courage when facing difficult conversations. You may describe these ideas differently based on your own beliefs and experience.
